Computer And Technology Jokes

This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela
Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through
many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go
through many more.

(Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom,
cunningly disguised as a test.)

Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
question that you can answer correctly.

If you score is between: You are

0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040 -> a User
0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru
0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard

Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.


And now for the questions...


0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 ... more than 8 hours?
0004 ... more than 16 hours?
0005 ... more than 32 hours?

0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?

0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 ... Missed an examination?
0009 ... Missed a wedding?
0010 ... Missed your own wedding?

0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 ... Did it make sense the next day?

0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?

0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?

0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 ... Unintentionally?
0017 ... In a language other than Fortran?

0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?

0019 Have you named a computer?

0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed?

0021 Do you eat slime-molds?

0022 Do you know how many days old you are?

0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?

0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it?

0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 ... Backwards?

0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"?

0029 Have you seen "Tron"?

0030 Have you seen "Wargames"?

0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 ... EBCDIC?

0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?

0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?

0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?

0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?

0038 Do you know maxint on your system?

0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?

0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 ... up to 2**32?
0042 ... up to 2**64?

0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 ... feeling the holes?

0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 ... While the program was running?

0047 Have you ever used program overlays?

0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?

0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?

0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?

0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?

0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?

0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?

0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?

0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 ... Did it answer?

0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 ... 1200 baud?

0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?

0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"?

0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 ... Do you know what it is?

0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 ... Your disk drive?
0068 ... Your tape drive?

0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 ... Is it out-of-date?

0071 Do you have a line printer picture of...
0072 ... the Mona Lisa?
0073 ... the Enterprise?
0074 ... Einstein?
0075 ... Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?

0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 ... DASD
0079 ... Emacs
0080 ... ITS
0081 ... RSTS/E
0082 ... SNA
0083 ... Spool
0084 ... TCP/IP

Have you ever used
0085 ... TPU?
0086 ... TECO?
0087 ... Emacs?
0088 ... ed?
0089 ... vi?
0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 ... SOS?
0092 ... EDT?
0093 ... Wordstar?

0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?

Have you ever programmed in
0095 ... the X windowing system?
0096 ... CICS?

0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?

0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key?
0099 ... Was it the power switch?

Have you ever attended
0100 ... Usenix?
0101 ... DECUS?
0102 ... SHARE?
0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
0104 ... NetCon?

0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?

0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?

0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 ... Can you read it?

0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?

0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 ... Did you fail?

0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 ... Without looking?

0115 Have you ever used IPCS?

0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?

0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors?

0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?

0119 Ever mask an NMI?

0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 ... Intentionally?
0122 ... Do you still work there?

0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 ... Intentionally?

0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 ... Do you still read it?

0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 ... Did you find bugs in it?

0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?

0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?

0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?

0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?

0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 ... Vice versa?

0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?

0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?

0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 ... Did you get away with it?

0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?

0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?

0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?

0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?

0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 ... To bed?

0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 ... around a microcode bug?

0147 Can you program a Turing machine?

0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?

0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?

0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?

0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?

0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 ... Correctly?

0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?

0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?

0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?

0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 ... Do you need one?

0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 ... Intentionally?

0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?

0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?

* Do you know...

0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 ... Rogomatic?

0165 Do you know Gray code?

0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 ... Ever use it?
0168 ... Intentionally?

0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 ... Ever make one?

0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code?

0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?

0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking?

* Do you have...

0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary?
0180 ... Did you contribute to it?

0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 ... Is it unused?

0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?

0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook?
0185 ... Ever make anything from it?

0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 ... a terminal?
0188 ... a toy computer?
0189 ... a personal computer?
0190 ... a minicomputer?
0191 ... a mainframe?
0192 ... a supercomputer?
0193 ... a hypercube?
0194 ... a printer?
0195 ... a laser printer?
0196 ... a tape drive?
0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device?

0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 ... Is it RPN?

0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 ... 4 computers?
0202 ... 16 computers?

0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 ... a T1 line?

0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 ... Is it legal?

0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 ... drum storage?
0209 ... bubble memory?

0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 ... 256 megabytes?
0212 ... 1 gigabyte?
0213 ... 16 gigabytes?
0214 ... 256 gigabytes?
0215 ... 1 terabyte?

0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?

0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 ... Is it unlabelled?

0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 ... 64 floppy disks?
0221 ... 256 floppy disks?
0222 ... 1024 floppy disks?

0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?

0224 Do you have an internal stack?

0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?

0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 ... Have you done all the exercises?
0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes?

0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project?

0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?

0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?

* Career

0234 Do you have a job?
0235 ... Have you ever had a job?
0236 ... Was it computer-related?

0237 Do you work irregular hours?

0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?

0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?

0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?

0241 Is your job secure?
0242 ... Do you have code to prove it?

0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?

* Games

0244 Have you ever played Pong?

Have you ever played
0246 ... Spacewar?
0247 ... Star Trek?
0248 ... Wumpus?
0249 ... Lunar Lander?
0250 ... Empire?

Have you ever beaten
0251 ... Moria 4.8?
0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
0254 ... Larn?
0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
0256 ... Nethack 2.4?

0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?

0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 ... Zork?

0260 Have you ever written any redcode?

0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 ... a real-time game?
0263 ... a multi-player game?
0264 ... a networked game?

0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?

* Hardware

0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 ... did you build it?

Have you ever used
0268 ... a teletype?
0269 ... a paper tape?
0270 ... a decwriter?
0271 ... a card reader/punch?
0272 ... a SOL?

Have you ever built
0273 ... an Altair?
0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?

Do you know how to use
0275 ... an oscilliscope?
0276 ... a voltmeter?
0277 ... a frequency counter?
0278 ... a logic probe?
0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
0280 ... a soldering iron?
0281 ... a logic analyzer?

0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 ... has it been fabricated?

0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?

* Historical

0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 ... from memory?

0287 Can you program an Eniac?

0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?

* IBM

0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?

0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?

0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?

0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 ... off a card reader?

0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?

* Languages

0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 ... 8 languages?
0298 ... 16 languages?
0299 ... 32 languages?

0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?

0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 ... Pascal?

0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 ... Do you admit it?

0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 ... Do you deny it?

0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 ... Modula-2?
0309 ... Oberon?
0310 ... More that two Wirth languages?
0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?

0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 ... Algol-W?
0314 ... Algol-68?
0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars?

0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 ... on 4 different machines?
0319 ... on 8 different machines?

Do you know
0320 ... APL?
0321 ... Ada?
0322 ... BCPL?
0323 ... C++?
0324 ... C?
0325 ... Comal?
0326 ... Eiffel?
0327 ... Forth?
0328 ... Fortran?
0329 ... Hypertalk?
0330 ... Icon?
0331 ... Lisp?
0332 ... Logo?
0333 ... MIIS?
0334 ... MUMPS?
0335 ... PL/I?
0336 ... Pilot?
0337 ... Plato?
0338 ... Prolog?
0339 ... RPG?
0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 ... SETL?
0342 ... Smalltalk?
0343 ... Snobol?
0344 ... VHDL?
0345 ... any assembly language?

0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 ... Postscript?
0348 ... SMTP?
0349 ... UUCP?
0350 ... English?

* Micros

0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?

0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk?

0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?

0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?

* Networking

0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?

0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 ... For any country?

0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 ... Was it a security hole?

0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 ... Are you up to date?

0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?

0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it?

0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 ... Does it work?
0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep?

0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?

* Operating systems

Can you use
0370 ... BSD Unix?
0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
0372 ... AIX
0373 ... VM/CMS?
0374 ... VMS?
0375 ... MVS?
0376 ... VSE?
0377 ... RSTS/E?
0378 ... CP/M?
0379 ... COS?
0380 ... NOS?
0381 ... CP-67?
0382 ... RT-11?
0383 ... MS-DOS?
0384 ... Finder?
0385 ... PRODOS?
0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 ... Tops-10?
0388 ... Tops-20?
0389 ... OS-9?
0390 ... OS/2?
0391 ... AOS/VS?
0392 ... Multics?
0393 ... ITS?
0394 ... Vulcan?

0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 ... Off a card reader/punch?
0397 ... Off a teletype?
0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk?

0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 ... Did you exploit it?
0401 ... Did you report it?
0402 ... Was your report ignored?

0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 ... Intentionally?

* People

0405 Do you know any people?
0406 ... more than one?
0407 ... more than two?

* Personal

0408 Are your shoelaces untied?

0409 Do you interface well with strangers?

0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?

0411 Do you log in before breakfast?

0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?

0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"?

0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 ... *every* operating system manual?

0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?

0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?

0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?

0419 Do you ignore mice?

0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?

0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?

0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?

0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?

0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 ... Twice in a row?

0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation?
0428 ... "bletch"?

0429 Do you use the "P convention"?

0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 ... Do you know what it means?

0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?

0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?

0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?

0435 Is your license plate computer-related?

0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?

0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?

0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?

0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?

* Programming

0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 ... In TECO?

0442 Can you read a machine dump?
0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?

Have you ever written
0444 ... a compiler?
0445 ... an operating system?
0446 ... a device driver?
0447 ... a text processor?
0448 ... a display hack?
0449 ... a database system?
0450 ... an expert system?
0451 ... an edge detector?
0452 ... a real-time control system?
0453 ... an accounting package?
0454 ... a virus?
0455 ... a prophylactic?

0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 ... Did you sell the output?
0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented?

0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 ... the number e?

0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?

0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 ... Are you proud of it?

0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 ... 100 lines?
0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
0468 ... Did it work the second time?

0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 ... Non-recursively?
0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter?

0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 ... Did it win?
0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule?

0475 Do you know Duff's device?

0476 Do you know Jensen's device?

0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 ... More than an hour?
0479 ... More than a day?
0480 ... More than a week?
0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?

* Unix

0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?

0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?

0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?

0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?

0487 Have you ever built Minix?

0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly?
0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"?

* Usenet

0490 Do you read news?
0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 ... All the newsgroups?

0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 ... Do you post regularly?

0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 ... Ever flame a flame?
0499 ... Do you flame regularly?

0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?

0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 ... Does it still exist?

0504 Do you remember
0505 ... mod.ber?
0506 ... the Stupid People's Court?
0507 ... Bandy-grams?

* Phreaking

0508 Have you ever built a black box?

0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes?
0510 ... and their associated functions?

0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?

0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

1.I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

2.Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack.

3.Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

4.Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep
holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

5.Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out.

6.Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

7.Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

8.Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof.

9.Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

10.Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

How the Xbox Came Into Being:-
One Monday morning, at Microsoft HQ:

Bill Gates: Ok, associates, what other things can we do to suck the public dry of cash?

Ass#1: The video game area is a booming industry, your Highness.

Bill: Yes! That's a great idea. What designs do we have in the making?

Ass#2: Well, we want something original, since every other company has a different look to their machines. Nintendo's new machine looks like a handbag, Sony's looks like a VCR, and Sega's looks like a misshapen box. Any ideas?

Bill: Well, here's an idea. We want to cross off all competition, right?

Ass#1: Yeah...?

Bill: And since the thing is going to look boxy anyway, we might as well put Box in the name, right?

Ass#2: Sounds good, highness.

Bill: So our new machine will be called the Xbox!

All: RAH RAH RAH! GO MICROSOFT GO! WE'LL BEAT UP EVERY OTHER BUSINESS SCHMO!

Bill: Alright, now what should we put in the box?

Ass#3: Well, based on estimates, the best competitor has a 405 Mhz processor, so let's top that!

Bill: Sounds good.

Ass#2: And the PS2 can generate 66 million polys/sec. How many can our top-of-the-line P4s generate?

Ass#1: Easily more with a Voodoo5. Let's throw that in!

Bill: Okay. Now, what games can we put on it? Age of Empires is a no-brainer, but what else?

Ass#2: Well, Command & Conquer is a good franchise. And we can always buy some others that we don't have control of already...

Bill: Good. Let's go buy a few big-name game franchises, and Microsoftify them!

All: Here here!

Ass#3: One final thing. Many people who bought the PS2 bought it for its DVD capability. Should we throw that in?

Bill: Yeah, but make it an extra, so that they have to pay more if they want it.

Ass#1: Very lucrative thinking, highness.

Bill: Yes, thank you for the compliment. You deserve a raise. In fact, you all do. Bring a prototype to me before Friday, and you all get a 200% raise!

All: Here here! GO M$ GO!

Due to the enormous workload involved in engineering classes, combined with lack of sleep, stress, and a large homework load, engineering students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intention) what their major really is, or what it is they are really doing. Thus, as an engineering major, I decided to put together this list to help you figure out whether or not you're an engineering major.

You might be an engineering major...

if you have no life, and you design, implement, and test your proofs to show it.
if you enjoy never sleeping.
if you like the effect of your body collapsing from exhaustion.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator and have a computer program which does even more.
if when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on circuits.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday and Saturday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you CAN'T do simple addition and subtraction on a regular basis
if you use "scientific findings" to explain how you feel.
if you've calculated that your mental facilities decay exponentially.
if you whenever you look at something you see a better way of designing it.
if you have a car named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about "computer science" majors.
if you get arrested for designing AND building a "potentially dangerous weapon."
if you can translate English into Binary, C++, and hex.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you know the names of every person who works in the science building.
If you're the next-to-last person to leave the science building. (right before the security officer)
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
if you wear clothing with electric insulation on a regular basis.
If you live on caffeine and get no more than 3 hours sleep a night.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if you consider ANY science course below 3000 level "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if you've thought of AND written a computer program which will cause your student loans to "dissappear."
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that the cafeteria food is "organic" in order to make the lab analysis easier.
if you plan to graduate from college in no less than five years.
if your goal is to graduate from college with 50.00001% of your sanity intact.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as an engineering major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

_________________________________________________________________________
| |
| ---This message brought to you on 100% recycled electrons--- |
|________________________________________________________________________|

ATTENTION USERS - SOME OF THESE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO JUMP OUT OF THE MACHINES
AND ATTACK THE USERS. THE MAD RUSSIAN AND STEFCO COMPUTING SERVICES INC.
TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY VIRUSES THAT ATTACK THE READERS OF THIS LIST.


COMPUTER VIRUSES:

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attachs
it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN,
twice if by C:>

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining into a binary network.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congrssional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
it's programmer will take it back.

Use your virus scan, dont let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

See, how people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.
Just Read It.

The Leave Applications; )


· Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:


"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:


"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze
and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug
for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who
could sail the waters, and would need for support but few
rams.

So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft,
acquired a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim
the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not
bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet
had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of
his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only
one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew
tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could
be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they cried.
"the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he
knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea
Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to
the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic
Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made
a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking
for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when
the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented
themselves with the Dosfish alone.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the
Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves
something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed
like a humbug and so they called the new creature OZ II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are.
It could drag and drop, and could keep files without
becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue
Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be
called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide
Pea Sea.

Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window
that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the
third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began
to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper
turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need
thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window
an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in
the 32-bit Pea Sea."

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the
Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on
using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish
would from time to time become confused and die, it could
always be revived with three fingers.

Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ
II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and
awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed
not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but
we see little application for it." And they were doubtful,
because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and
together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent
was made of objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been
ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still.
So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and
made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the
Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the
Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared,
"though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too,
it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs."

And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the
world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a
greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish
would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and they too
would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and
who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with
fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were
sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans,
and it was rumored that files would be named in letters
greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea
Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers,
and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and
do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more,
many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the
Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.

And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had
given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed
loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares,
then admitted meekly that only those who knew him could use
those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the
biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were
sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that
is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on
the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on
the simple Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that workshops of the Gateskeeper
fashioned a new Idol in the image of Himself, and named it
Oh-Lay The Second. And there was much excitement amongst the
Tribes of Developers, for they gazed upon the Specification
and saw that it was Good, and Well Considered and not cursed
with the blight of the Kludge.

But even the Miracles of the Oh-Lay The Second were not
enough for the Masters of the Gateskeeper, for it came to
pass that the language of the Macro had been Reviled, and
Stoned, and publically Humiliated, especially amongst the
tribes of the Corporate.

So the Gateskeeper commanded the workshops to deliver unto
the Tribes of the Corporates a new Wonder, and named it
Comman Macro Language. They called it a Basic of Object
Overtones. And then, lest this confuse the Tribe of the
Corporate, named it for the third time as the Basically
Visual of the Applications Kind.

But the Tribe of Upstarts known as the Reviewers looked down
upon the new Miracles of the Applications, and cast scorn
upon them, saying "Verily thou has Failed. Thine new Shiny
Applications are not blessed with the new Wonder, except for
the System Terminator known as the Excel Five, which is
Riddled with the Blight of the Bug."

And then the Tribe of Reviewers examined the new Wonder in
closer detail, and found too that it was cursed with the
Blight of the Incompatible Syntax. They shouted "But the
workers of the Gateskeeper told us it was Compatible, and
The Same, and Wonderous. The Application named Word is
inflicted with the Kludge known amongst the Land as
WordBasic in its Third Incarnation, and this is not Good
Enough.

The High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied, crying "Verily
we are Getting There, but it will take more Time." And the
Tribe of the Reviewers replied, saying "Thou hast had enough
Time, there is little left in the Coffers of Credibility.

And Lo, the High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied "But you
ignoreth our Best Wonder Of All, the Miracle of the
IntelliSense." And the Tribe of the Reviewers cast scorn
upon the High Priests, and called for a Public Stoning,
crying "That is nothing but the influence of The Devil
Himself, known in the Lands of the Journalists as The
Marketing Bullshit.

And the Tribes of the Journalists and Corporates looked upon
the Garden of the Lotus to see if more promising flowers
were growing therein.....

Passwords are the first line of defense against unwanted guests,
so you should make your password as difficult as possible to
decipher. The password program installed on CCS Unix systems
Garnet and Violet requires the user to follow password-creation
guidelines intended to make account passwords very difficult
to decode.

Password-creation guidelines:

All passwords must have at least
1. six characters, but no more than eight characters.
2. one alphabetic character.
3. one non-alphabetic character.
4. four distinct characters (i.e., 4444hhhh is not allowed).

No password may contain
5. Any of the set of characters "#", "@", Ctrl-X, Ctrl-U,
Ctrl-S, Ctrl-Q, <DEL>, or <BackSpace>.
6. Any four-character word, spelled backwards or forwards,
in any combination of upper and lower case.
7. Any five-character sequence which can be found in a word,
spelled backwards or forwards, in any combination of upper
and lower case.

Creating a password that meets the guidelines:

Clearly the guidelines will not allow you to use passwords
like "dog", "Norma", "berkeley", or "ydnac ym". Despite the
restrictions, you will still want a password that you can
remember! Some passwords that would pass, were they not
examples in this help file are:

Password Memorization aid
-------- -------------------
car4u$ Car for your money
2b|!2b To be or not to be
cat84dog Cat ate four dog(s)
nitt4agm Now Is The Time For All Good Men...

Keeping your password secure:

1. Don't write your password down. Anywhere!
2. Don't type it in while someone is watching you. (Ask
onlookers to avert their eyes while you're typing it in.)
3. Change it regularly, or whenever you think it has been
compromised.

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where
they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries,
you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.

"The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change" - Fortran manual for Xerox Computers.

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found . . .
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do someshopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband : It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband : File in use . . . Try later.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband : Unknown Virus.

Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"

"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

If cars were like computers they would:
1. ask you ' are you sure you want the airbag to come out?' if you have a crash.

2. everytime you want to do ssomething you have to open the window(s)

3. everytime you want to shut it down you have to go to start, shutdow and press ok

4. if you dont do above, you have to wait for it to wait for about 5 minuets for it to check the disk

5. the more information is stored on it, the slower it will go.

6. if you get just too much stuff on it (like what happened to me), you have to break all the windows and get new ones

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming
1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

5. Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.

6.Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.

7. Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.

8. Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

9. Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.

10. Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
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CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

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Murphy's Laws of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

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APL is a write-only language.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.

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Programming Languages are Like Cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

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Software Development Cycle

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Software Development Cycle
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

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A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

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Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

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A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

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The Programmers' Cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

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"Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
"No..."
"Inheritance."

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If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

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Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

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The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.

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Q: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A: Because it is below C level.

Q: What is an example of a never halting program?
A: Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first".

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Q: Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex

A1: It is on everybody's mind all the time.
A2: Everyone is talking about it all the time.
A3: Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
A4: Almost no one is really doing it.
A5: The few who are doing it are:


doing it poorly;

sure it will be better next time;

not practicing it safely.
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All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

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The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

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The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

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A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

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They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occured?

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band

protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive - he had missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden. "She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32-bit floating point processors and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"

"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's available for prime time maintenance."

They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuation acknowledgements although, in background, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark programs' but Mini anticipated his flow.

Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing firmware by this stage but his hardware policing module had an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst about. "Core dump!" he complained.

Micro auto-recovered however, when Mini went down on DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to enter her kernel when she attempted an escape sequence.

"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."

"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think about is hex!"